Layers

I don't want to forget anything. I search my memory for all of the details. I write them down. I re-create the timber of your voice, the softness of your skin, the callouses of your fingers. But they are getting faded. Not so vivid. This upsets me. It's only been 5 weeks and 4 days. It is like yesterday and an eternity ago.  I cannot quite  hear your laugh. But I can see you laugh. I can see your joy. 
Also I can see your rage. Intense. Understandable.
No one can see the reality of their lives while they are alive, so it seems. Your life. A hole in your heart at birth. Music. Struggle, Rebellion. Travel. Learning, Testing, Anger, Love, Responsibility, Striving. These are real experiences. These no one can take from you.
In your last days your energy was limited. So all pretense fell off of you. And there you were. Clear purpose. No bullshit. Beautiful.
Next time which I think is soon, remember to allow the man you are to be revealed to you sooner. You don't have to push so hard against the machine. The machine of life will not change. You taught me that life is not what we think. Life is a whirlwind of busyness  that takes us and turns us all inside out and upside down. In the end, nothing is as important as love. All of us, we are not what we think. We are all bigger, more filled with grace, an essential creation. But life puts all the layers on. Dying takes the layers off. You were simply, you. You were not your idea of you.  I want to be with that man again. He is a wonder to behold.