."Process"

Donathen my love,
It has been a long while since I last wrote to you. The world is an emptier place without you. I don't think you could have imagined how your departure has left me feeling like I am missing a big piece of myself. I walk around knowing that you are not here for me to share anything with, and that leaves this space-this gigantic space that cannot be filled with anything, or anyone.

 Time is going by. Time is ticking on and I never want to lose the sense of you, although I know I will lose some of it, because it is just too painful, too hard to continue on without you, so it will happen.
 I don't want to be a ghost woman loving a ghost man. I know you understand that. I think it is amusing and a bit tawdry that people have seen you, and talk to you, and oh I suppose what is the harm in delusions.....But who am I to say? I know you know I believe you exist, but I also know that you wouldn't waste your time  hanging around down here for just anybody.
 I can hear you say in your famous gesture to me, your fingers painting quotation marks around the word, "Process".  So.  So, this fading thing...it frightens me. I don't want to lose you again! I know that must sound crazy but every day that goes by, every moment that ticks past, I AM losing you, little by little. Very slowly, it is all fading into the background. This too is a "process" and I hate it like all of the others!
I think though, it is a protective measure. A protective "process" so to speak. Life goes on, like a relentless machine without a soul but in order to keep going, you take another deep breath, another step forward, even if it feels like hell. And slowly, the enormous space which  exists now instead of the love that was in your life, that space, gets smaller. It never closes, it just gets smaller as time passes.
 I woke up crying last week. I have never done that. Woke up. Sobbing and sobbing.  Still in a partial dream state, with the tears just coming down in long, endless streams.
 I had a long talk with God.
"I don't understand. It makes no sense. Things were just falling into place for him. Why-why did you take him? "
God did not answer me. I didn't expect Him to. I just wanted to let Him know that I am not happy. And that I am angry.
Although, I suppose He already knew that.

Sometimes life on life's terms makes no sense at all. Sometimes life on life's terms sucks. There is a bigger picture, but I am unable to see it, Still, it is of some comfort that I do not have the answers.

Goodnight sweetheart. My loving and darling man. See you on the other side of the darkness. God willing.

Layers

I don't want to forget anything. I search my memory for all of the details. I write them down. I re-create the timber of your voice, the softness of your skin, the callouses of your fingers. But they are getting faded. Not so vivid. This upsets me. It's only been 5 weeks and 4 days. It is like yesterday and an eternity ago.  I cannot quite  hear your laugh. But I can see you laugh. I can see your joy. 
Also I can see your rage. Intense. Understandable.
No one can see the reality of their lives while they are alive, so it seems. Your life. A hole in your heart at birth. Music. Struggle, Rebellion. Travel. Learning, Testing, Anger, Love, Responsibility, Striving. These are real experiences. These no one can take from you.
In your last days your energy was limited. So all pretense fell off of you. And there you were. Clear purpose. No bullshit. Beautiful.
Next time which I think is soon, remember to allow the man you are to be revealed to you sooner. You don't have to push so hard against the machine. The machine of life will not change. You taught me that life is not what we think. Life is a whirlwind of busyness  that takes us and turns us all inside out and upside down. In the end, nothing is as important as love. All of us, we are not what we think. We are all bigger, more filled with grace, an essential creation. But life puts all the layers on. Dying takes the layers off. You were simply, you. You were not your idea of you.  I want to be with that man again. He is a wonder to behold.