Fight

Donathen my love,
I wish i were not angry but I am. I wish chat rooms and craigslist
and all of the wasting of time didn't happen but it does and it did. And I know I am blaming you, but I am not blameless in this regard at all. You did everything in your power to help me with my weaknesses. And if it isn't a substance that we are using to escape ourselves, or shopping, or work, or gambling everything we have on one roll, it is other people, or a fantasy of who we wish we were , of who we might be, but who we are not. I find myself addicted to feeling crappy after going through some of your correspondences and I  fight going through all of the things in my mind that i cannot change about what we did, or didn't do when we were together. About the things that might have been. Fight the little, petty emotions that may have been valid then, way back then, when we were struggling, when we were both sinking.  I must stand strong in my knowledge of reality and not torture myself about the parts of your life that I do not understand. I have to take what we had and know in my heart of hearts that you were working on yourself, and I was working on myself, and despite my feelings of the past - the way back then past that has come and reared it's ugly head and has tried to take our love down a couple hundred notches, that nothing and no one is real in cyber space. And you and I were not out there , we were here. Day in and day out, eating, and talking and laughing and fighting and loving, and fucking and struggling and enjoying and crying and living and it may not have all been beautiful but it was real. God Bless you my adorable, articulate, lonely, passionate, magnificent man.