Letters

Donathen my love,
I found some of your letters to me. I read them out loud and took them in. I recognize all of the love,
the struggle, the losing and winning.Your eloquence. Your amazingly beautiful handwriting. It's one day before christmas eve. We had come apart. But you were with me last Christmas eve, day. It was painful to be trying to re-inform our relationship. I was still on the fence. You know that. I just didn't trust that it would be different. I held on to the past like a shield of armor. I would like to imagine that we did have another chance doing that particular dance.

 There was always- as there will always be, our deep love and understanding of one another. Life sometimes pulls two people apart. That is what happened. The choices we make can devastate us. I think to myself if I could have stayed the course in my fight sooner. If you could have recognized your old enemy sooner . If. If. IF..... Maybe maybe maybe maybe.....No point in maybe. Or what if.  My wish is that we heal. That we are healed. That when we meet again, we know the points that will take us away from one another, and we both and together will be strong enough to fight those self-destructions. Those darker traits within everyone that make us take everything and everyone for granted. It happens. You turn around one day and nothing is the same. You are lying to yourself, and you are lying to the other. You are bored. Restless. Want a change and so you make it happen by doing something you know you shouldn't. Like picking up a drink or a joint. Like treating one another as if it is all going to last forever.  Like not being responsible, not caring. Shouting, avoiding, hiding.  It happens. We all have our little demons that wear us down with noise and their insistence to be paid attention to. The cure for that  is to acknowledge them briefly and then work those spiritual steps like crazy, cause you and i both know, that little devil is not going to stay little for long if something doesn't replace it.

 Our relationship was many faceted. Many layers and colors. You were everyone to me. This is why my loss of you is so vast. You were father, mother, friend, lover, child, soul mate, You and I had so much in common. How we enjoyed one another! I am grateful. So very grateful. So very heart broken. Oh! How much I miss you. I miss you unto the depths of my being. The loss is so great that I cannot even fathom it, and push it away. Naturally, it comes back. And I do look at it then, because I cannot escape the fact that you are not  here with me. You are not on earth now, no matter how much I want you to be. Your body died 42 days ago. Yet  you live. You live Inside your letters. Inside all of the memories that we cultivated over the many years. That is tangible, even if your body is not.
No matter how our hearts got intertwined it was all a magnificent journey. I cherish the whole thing. The Good, the Bad, and Everything in between.  Merry Christmas my darling.