Showing posts with label addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label addiction. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Wreckage of the Past...The Beauty of the Moment

Donathen my love,
Tonight, I was shocked. And you know me, I really do not get shocked that often. When you have known people and have been a person with addictions, you get immune to certain events, or at least you try to be.
Well, there was that young girl who was the girlfriend of one of my neighbors, Mike. He was renting the apartment to the right. Remember? I think I told you. And one morning I woke up pretty early  a miracle on it's own) and I heard police radios, and movement right outside the front door. I opened it up to reveal that Mike's apartment had been secured as a possible crime scene.There was crime scene tape up, and detectives,and I found out later that the girl ended up asphyxiating on her own vomit. This guy, Mike-was in trouble to begin with. The two of them were always wasted, always fighting, and were always enmeshed in a whole bunch of drama. Well, she ends up dead and that was horrible and just so sad. She was 23 years old. I know it happens every day to someone's child, or someone's spouse, or someone's love. It's still heartbreaking.
I slipped a letter under his door letting him know that if he ever needed to speak to someone that I was here. I was honest about my own struggles with alcohol. I wrote that I had a good amount of time under my belt and that there is hope when you least expect it. It was a gesture. Simply to say, "I get it." It was all I could do.
Sometimes you just don't realize that for some people , there is not another million chances to get it. In fact, the last chance passed you by, but you didn't think about it. I know you know what I mean. Anyway, I didn't hear from him again. He moved out shortly thereafter. I would occasionally see him downtown but we never spoke. Tonight, I found out from another neighbor that he tried to cross a four lane highway in the beginning of the summer. He was 10 sheets to the wind. Blotto. He died when two cars ran him over. You and I both know that drinking is but a symptom, and the cars that ran him over were just the last straw on the camel's back. For a true alcoholic, alcohol takes no prisoners.  When I learned about Mikes' fate, I gasped. How awful and tragic and commonplace.

You and I both stepped out from the wreckage of our past and we were able to relish in the beauty of the moment. Many moments in fact. How lucky were we? I'll tell you.

Very.


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Fight

Donathen my love,
I wish i were not angry but I am. I wish chat rooms and craigslist
and all of the wasting of time didn't happen but it does and it did. And I know I am blaming you, but I am not blameless in this regard at all. You did everything in your power to help me with my weaknesses. And if it isn't a substance that we are using to escape ourselves, or shopping, or work, or gambling everything we have on one roll, it is other people, or a fantasy of who we wish we were , of who we might be, but who we are not. I find myself addicted to feeling crappy after going through some of your correspondences and I  fight going through all of the things in my mind that i cannot change about what we did, or didn't do when we were together. About the things that might have been. Fight the little, petty emotions that may have been valid then, way back then, when we were struggling, when we were both sinking.  I must stand strong in my knowledge of reality and not torture myself about the parts of your life that I do not understand. I have to take what we had and know in my heart of hearts that you were working on yourself, and I was working on myself, and despite my feelings of the past - the way back then past that has come and reared it's ugly head and has tried to take our love down a couple hundred notches, that nothing and no one is real in cyber space. And you and I were not out there , we were here. Day in and day out, eating, and talking and laughing and fighting and loving, and fucking and struggling and enjoying and crying and living and it may not have all been beautiful but it was real. God Bless you my adorable, articulate, lonely, passionate, magnificent man.