Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Wreckage of the Past...The Beauty of the Moment

Donathen my love,
Tonight, I was shocked. And you know me, I really do not get shocked that often. When you have known people and have been a person with addictions, you get immune to certain events, or at least you try to be.
Well, there was that young girl who was the girlfriend of one of my neighbors, Mike. He was renting the apartment to the right. Remember? I think I told you. And one morning I woke up pretty early  a miracle on it's own) and I heard police radios, and movement right outside the front door. I opened it up to reveal that Mike's apartment had been secured as a possible crime scene.There was crime scene tape up, and detectives,and I found out later that the girl ended up asphyxiating on her own vomit. This guy, Mike-was in trouble to begin with. The two of them were always wasted, always fighting, and were always enmeshed in a whole bunch of drama. Well, she ends up dead and that was horrible and just so sad. She was 23 years old. I know it happens every day to someone's child, or someone's spouse, or someone's love. It's still heartbreaking.
I slipped a letter under his door letting him know that if he ever needed to speak to someone that I was here. I was honest about my own struggles with alcohol. I wrote that I had a good amount of time under my belt and that there is hope when you least expect it. It was a gesture. Simply to say, "I get it." It was all I could do.
Sometimes you just don't realize that for some people , there is not another million chances to get it. In fact, the last chance passed you by, but you didn't think about it. I know you know what I mean. Anyway, I didn't hear from him again. He moved out shortly thereafter. I would occasionally see him downtown but we never spoke. Tonight, I found out from another neighbor that he tried to cross a four lane highway in the beginning of the summer. He was 10 sheets to the wind. Blotto. He died when two cars ran him over. You and I both know that drinking is but a symptom, and the cars that ran him over were just the last straw on the camel's back. For a true alcoholic, alcohol takes no prisoners.  When I learned about Mikes' fate, I gasped. How awful and tragic and commonplace.

You and I both stepped out from the wreckage of our past and we were able to relish in the beauty of the moment. Many moments in fact. How lucky were we? I'll tell you.

Very.


Monday, September 19, 2011

Praying and the Dishes

Donathen my love,
The other day I was singing as I did the dishes. It started out with the tunes that I know and like. "Aquarius", "Man I love" "Zing! Went the Strings of my Heart". Oldies but goodies. And the next thing I know I am trying to write a song-poem. And how it feels to be without you, even though i know in my heart of hearts that I will be with you again, and the words are not so important now, but the next thing I know in trying to explain this is that the hardest part of now is the not being with you in the flesh, simple as that. And tears are running down my face, and I realize that this is what it is like to pray. I miss ...
Your smell. Your embrace. Your laugh. Your warm skin. Your expression. Your dreads.
Your body. Your grace. Your smile. Everything that you were to me.
I can feel you. Even though i cannot touch you. And I can faintly hear you, although I know you cannot respond to me in the way that I want you to. With that amazingly unique voice. The timbre just so Donathen. No mistaking that voice anywhere.
And I have faith my darling that I will be with you again. I know that as sure as I know that I have all my fingers and toes. But the hard part -is time, and feeling all those minutes and hours that you simply cannot and will not be replaced. You are an original. No carbon copies were made when God made you my buster brown. My pea in a pod. My "D". There is no one on this earth right now that is you, or that ever will be you. This is why I cry. This is why I yearn to hold you in my arms. This is why my tears went up with the dish soap bubbles to God. And this is why I will always pray for you sweet man, no matter what part of the universe you reside in.