Donathen my love,
It has been a long while since I last wrote to you. The world is an emptier place without you. I don't think you could have imagined how your departure has left me feeling like I am missing a big piece of myself. I walk around knowing that you are not here for me to share anything with, and that leaves this space-this gigantic space that cannot be filled with anything, or anyone.
Time is going by. Time is ticking on and I never want to lose the sense of you, although I know I will lose some of it, because it is just too painful, too hard to continue on without you, so it will happen.
I don't want to be a ghost woman loving a ghost man. I know you understand that. I think it is amusing and a bit tawdry that people have seen you, and talk to you, and oh I suppose what is the harm in delusions.....But who am I to say? I know you know I believe you exist, but I also know that you wouldn't waste your time hanging around down here for just anybody.
I can hear you say in your famous gesture to me, your fingers painting quotation marks around the word, "Process". So. So, this fading thing...it frightens me. I don't want to lose you again! I know that must sound crazy but every day that goes by, every moment that ticks past, I AM losing you, little by little. Very slowly, it is all fading into the background. This too is a "process" and I hate it like all of the others!
I think though, it is a protective measure. A protective "process" so to speak. Life goes on, like a relentless machine without a soul but in order to keep going, you take another deep breath, another step forward, even if it feels like hell. And slowly, the enormous space which exists now instead of the love that was in your life, that space, gets smaller. It never closes, it just gets smaller as time passes.
I woke up crying last week. I have never done that. Woke up. Sobbing and sobbing. Still in a partial dream state, with the tears just coming down in long, endless streams.
I had a long talk with God.
"I don't understand. It makes no sense. Things were just falling into place for him. Why-why did you take him? "
God did not answer me. I didn't expect Him to. I just wanted to let Him know that I am not happy. And that I am angry.
Although, I suppose He already knew that.
Sometimes life on life's terms makes no sense at all. Sometimes life on life's terms sucks. There is a bigger picture, but I am unable to see it, Still, it is of some comfort that I do not have the answers.
Goodnight sweetheart. My loving and darling man. See you on the other side of the darkness. God willing.
It has been a long while since I last wrote to you. The world is an emptier place without you. I don't think you could have imagined how your departure has left me feeling like I am missing a big piece of myself. I walk around knowing that you are not here for me to share anything with, and that leaves this space-this gigantic space that cannot be filled with anything, or anyone.
Time is going by. Time is ticking on and I never want to lose the sense of you, although I know I will lose some of it, because it is just too painful, too hard to continue on without you, so it will happen.
I don't want to be a ghost woman loving a ghost man. I know you understand that. I think it is amusing and a bit tawdry that people have seen you, and talk to you, and oh I suppose what is the harm in delusions.....But who am I to say? I know you know I believe you exist, but I also know that you wouldn't waste your time hanging around down here for just anybody.
I can hear you say in your famous gesture to me, your fingers painting quotation marks around the word, "Process". So. So, this fading thing...it frightens me. I don't want to lose you again! I know that must sound crazy but every day that goes by, every moment that ticks past, I AM losing you, little by little. Very slowly, it is all fading into the background. This too is a "process" and I hate it like all of the others!
I think though, it is a protective measure. A protective "process" so to speak. Life goes on, like a relentless machine without a soul but in order to keep going, you take another deep breath, another step forward, even if it feels like hell. And slowly, the enormous space which exists now instead of the love that was in your life, that space, gets smaller. It never closes, it just gets smaller as time passes.
I woke up crying last week. I have never done that. Woke up. Sobbing and sobbing. Still in a partial dream state, with the tears just coming down in long, endless streams.
I had a long talk with God.
"I don't understand. It makes no sense. Things were just falling into place for him. Why-why did you take him? "
God did not answer me. I didn't expect Him to. I just wanted to let Him know that I am not happy. And that I am angry.
Although, I suppose He already knew that.
Sometimes life on life's terms makes no sense at all. Sometimes life on life's terms sucks. There is a bigger picture, but I am unable to see it, Still, it is of some comfort that I do not have the answers.
Goodnight sweetheart. My loving and darling man. See you on the other side of the darkness. God willing.
