Bad

Donathen, my love...Our relationship was so multi-faceted. So many things to each other.
I know you had other relationships, and for a while there, I just didn't care. I didn't care because you were going through something and I was going through something. We had to do the seperate path thing, I know you understood. It was painful for both of us but we both began to really be more of who we were individually. I looked through emails of yours, and I got a bit jealous. Then, I felt sorry. But I was jealous of what I imagined.There is no reality to my feelings. It is all in my head.
In reality, the man that I was with for the last 5 months, was a different man. A man of substance, and growth, of love, and light. You were luminescent. I don't want to be jealous, and re-hash old feelings that have nothing to do with reality.
It is me who is still seeking and searching to heal all the wounds of my past. These gripping fears have nothing to do with you. You brought them out once. And that was a long, long time ago.
That is not what we ended with. So, I let go of all unecessary pain. I let go of all unnecessary pain because there is real pain now and it has nothing to do with anything negative. It is the pain in myself that was once you. It is the pain that is dull and in the background now, but ever present.
It is an empty space. The empty space had you in it. Now there is loss and the memory of you.
Several people have said that you came to them. That they saw you. I want to see you. I think. No, maybe not. I have felt you. I have felt your being next to me. I want you to let go....Let go.

No words...

Donathen, my love.... Oh. I take a breath and realize that you are on one side of the bridge. I am on the other. Sometimes I feel we almost meet in the middle but not really. Not in this reality. Mabye somewhere. You live in my heart. But my heart is empty without you. My heart doesn't know what to do with itself.

I miss you terribly. It is only going to get worse first before it gets any better. Forgive me for saying so but I want and need for it to get better. I am impatient not to feel the raw tugging of sorrow and the anguish that your loss brings me. Some moments I forget. I am relieved then. All is well in my world. Then, I remember. You are gone and nothing I can do will ever bring you back to me now. Maybe in the future, but not now. I try not to think too much about it.

I want you to be on your journey, and remember all the things that you need to remember.

My wish for you is endless. It always will be.

Goodnight my love. See you on the other side of the darkness. For real.

I cant sleep

Wired.Tired.Keep moving. Maybe I will wake up and you will come sailing through

the door. Cant sleep. Took things to help but I am walking around amidst your things, with

nowhere to go. I search notebooks for any scrap of you. I am putting together something, I don't really know what. It is 3:40 am , almost exactly one week since you left the earth. I hope you are discovering new lands. We are all still down here, and it is so very lonely without you.

Oh, Donathen. What just happened?

My love, my light, my anchor, my Rock. You have made me strong and I will get through this.. I miss all of you. Now there are bits and pieces. I am trying so hard to recreate you, but I know that that's just a dream, I keep trying to pretend is real.

At the very least darling, I got through today without the relentless sobbing that I have poured out to the Universe. That is a blessing.

5 days

Donathen my love,

It's 5 days since you left. 5 days since my heart broke. 5 days. I am numb today. The pain rests

right above the surface, it's a cry and a wailing that is deep within. It will not leave me.

I don't want to cry anymore. I hurt all over. I am hungry but I don't eat. I am sleepy but I don't lay down. I walk from room to room, not knowing where to go. The last 4 days seem to have gone by in a blur. I talked too much. I went through your phone to call people to tell them-you would not be there to pick up messages.I found 2 funny videos of you on there. One when you first got diagnosed. You said into the camera- "It ain't worth it, if you're uptight." You made me smile.

Then, the second video was of me filming you overseas. I play that before I go to bed at night.

I sleep with your jacket and sweatshirt. I wear your jewelry. I smell your clothes to catch you somewhere in them. I found a lock of your hair and I smell that and press it to my face.

Donathen my love,

You are my soul. You are my heart. No matter where you are, that doesnt' change. It will never change.

I love you.

"G"