Down

Donathen my love,
All of a sudden I felt depressed. This week was actually one where I felt a rhythm. A rhythm that had been missing, so I was very grateful and relieved. It has been a long time, since I felt that I had time for myself. Time for cleaning. Sorting. Movies. Lunch with a friend. I woke up early and felt happy. It was a beautiful day out. Then, came the cloud that wouldn't leave. It snuck up on me. And then I recognized what it was. My enemy. Depression.

I went to bed. I had nothing else to do. I know that you would have approved. "Put it down." You would have said, and that is exactly what I did. I don't like going to bed in the middle of the day, but sometimes, you have to "Put it down."

I spoke to a friend of yours yesterday, and I have to say she just annoys me. I know she doesn't like me, and I really don't like her, but it is you that we have in common. She is just too much of an expert on things. That just drives me nuts. Then again, I am kind of an expert on things too. Well, at the very least, you wanted us to communicate. We may not see eye to eye, but we are speaking. She talks to you all the time, she told me. I don't. Except here. Usually, I just talk to myself. I talk about you in the third person. It's just that I know you aren't here. I don't feel you anymore. I wish I did.  I shouldn't begrudge her. If she can talk to you, I suppose that is a good thing. I cannot. It doesnt comfort me in the least. I am not all airy fairy about these things anymore. I don't know if I ever was when it came to a loved one dying. It's not as if I talked to my Father after he died. I did however, write him notes. Just like I am doing here. Back then, there were no computers. Funny, that just seems like a million years ago. No computers. 1990. September. The 24th. The day my father died. One day, I suppose it will feel like a million years ago that you died. But not today. Miss you baby with all my heart and soul. But I can't think about you too much today cause I am already a bit down.