Ashes

Donathen my love,
I don't know why I am having a problem picking up your ashes. They are still with the funeral parlor. I had a friend tell them I wasn't ready and they were understanding. Still, I wonder why I have this aversion. I don't want to feel the physical weight of the ashes.I don't want to know the reality that your beautiful body is now this.  It is too painful. I don't want to know that all you are now is a bag full of ashes. I am not a squeamish person in a lot of ways. But for some reason, I am afraid to do this. Pick up your ashes. Yet, at some point soon, I must. Maybe it is because, then I will physically experience that you are really not here. It is not in my head. It is real. Even though I saw you before you died, even that I saw your dead body. Even though I kissed your mouth in death and saw quite clearly that you were not in the vehicle that was once your body. It just seems so absurd that all you are now are ashes. But this is life, and we do go back to the earth when we die. Our bodies are not who we are. Our bodies house us, but we are released from them when we die. Still, I ask- Why am I so reluctant to pick up your ashes?  It isn't right that your ashes are with strangers. When I return to NY, I will get brave and do it. Sometimes the imagination gets the better of us, and we imagine a worse scenario than really exists. How is it possible that all you are on this earth right now, is ash? But that is the truth. Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust.....It is so very final. That's it. I am not ready for the finality of it all. I want to delay this as much as I can. Until I am ready to embrace the finality, I don't think I will pick up your ashes. So, I pray for the strength to embrace reality. Quite an order.