Donathen my love,
I am going to the casino. This thing we loved to do together and I am going to go alone, I won't wait for you. I am aware that I pretended even more than I realized that I didn't want the romance anymore, but that isn't true. I told myself these things because I did wait for you, but kept going in spite of myself. Feeling as I always have about you, but continuing life despite my feelings. Paths had grown apart. Then, they were coming back and they met at the end, but I want more. I feel short changed. Angry. God Damn it! I want more of you and that is an impossibility. So, I am going to gamble and I will play a few hands of blackjack and wish me luck, and hope I win something for you my love.
***
So, I did. I did win at the blackjack table. But of course, I lost. Then, today I won again, but then, lost. There is no rhythm. No rhyme. I am lost, not just the money. Like a zombie I roam the casino floor. No one to have dinner with. No one to shrug the shoulders and count the losses with.The casino isn't as fun as it used to be. You are what is missing my sweet darling. I so miss talking with you. I so miss our relationship. The hole in my heart is a gaping cavernous never ending mother f-ing gorge. I don't even know why I came here. I just thought....
I listened to your outgoing phone message. And listened to it again. I have very few words. Angry. Hurt. Lonely. Filled with sorrow. Probably going to go downstairs now and blow more money. The hole will not be filled. And I know that even as I give the dealer more dollars and cents.
It is not the same. Nothing will ever be the same. I am so very lonely without you.
I am going to the casino. This thing we loved to do together and I am going to go alone, I won't wait for you. I am aware that I pretended even more than I realized that I didn't want the romance anymore, but that isn't true. I told myself these things because I did wait for you, but kept going in spite of myself. Feeling as I always have about you, but continuing life despite my feelings. Paths had grown apart. Then, they were coming back and they met at the end, but I want more. I feel short changed. Angry. God Damn it! I want more of you and that is an impossibility. So, I am going to gamble and I will play a few hands of blackjack and wish me luck, and hope I win something for you my love.
***
So, I did. I did win at the blackjack table. But of course, I lost. Then, today I won again, but then, lost. There is no rhythm. No rhyme. I am lost, not just the money. Like a zombie I roam the casino floor. No one to have dinner with. No one to shrug the shoulders and count the losses with.The casino isn't as fun as it used to be. You are what is missing my sweet darling. I so miss talking with you. I so miss our relationship. The hole in my heart is a gaping cavernous never ending mother f-ing gorge. I don't even know why I came here. I just thought....
I listened to your outgoing phone message. And listened to it again. I have very few words. Angry. Hurt. Lonely. Filled with sorrow. Probably going to go downstairs now and blow more money. The hole will not be filled. And I know that even as I give the dealer more dollars and cents.
It is not the same. Nothing will ever be the same. I am so very lonely without you.
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