Donathen my love,
I realize that I am keeping you at arms length. People say they see you, hear from you. I don't believe it, not really. If it's true it doesn't bring me any peace. If it brings them peace, I am truly happy for them. I want you. Not a sign, not a wisp of you, or a glance. I want you in the flesh. You to hold and talk to. If I cannot have that I want nothing. I look at your picture and touch your features, and then I put the picture away in a drawer and I do not think about it. I cannot listen to your music right now. It is a tease. Your voice on the answering machine is a tease. I cannot fan that fire anymore. I miss you so terribly and I am angry that I do not have you near me in the flesh. You will always be near me, I know that. We are destined to meet again. But in this life, the only life I have right now you have left a hole as big as the universe. No one and no thing is filling it. So, I am pushing you away. Putting your things in suitcases and boxes. Pushing you away, so that I do not have to experience every cell in my body and soul crying out , wailing and moaning, at the loss of you.
Anger is so much easier for me to function in and I know you appreciate that. My functioning is one of your wishes for me, and I am so very grateful of what you gave me. You must know that I would not be here had it not been for you and one other and you know who I mean. She is a pillar of strength, and never gave up on me-just like you.
My two pillars. My pillars of strength and love. Now my house is one sided, and it probably must come down at some point, because pillars do crumble and have to be re-built. Still, some part of me always rests underneath the missing pillar that you built for me, to shelter me from harm, to infuse me with hope. These things are still there because of you. I love you Donathen. I love you more than I have loved anyone in my life. I cannot believe that I couldn't save you. That nothing worked. That God had made a decision way before this, and there was no way anyone could change his mind about it. I am angry at God because he took you from me.
God will understand why I feel this way. God will forgive me. So, I push you away my love, my best friend, in order to live yet another day without you in it.
I realize that I am keeping you at arms length. People say they see you, hear from you. I don't believe it, not really. If it's true it doesn't bring me any peace. If it brings them peace, I am truly happy for them. I want you. Not a sign, not a wisp of you, or a glance. I want you in the flesh. You to hold and talk to. If I cannot have that I want nothing. I look at your picture and touch your features, and then I put the picture away in a drawer and I do not think about it. I cannot listen to your music right now. It is a tease. Your voice on the answering machine is a tease. I cannot fan that fire anymore. I miss you so terribly and I am angry that I do not have you near me in the flesh. You will always be near me, I know that. We are destined to meet again. But in this life, the only life I have right now you have left a hole as big as the universe. No one and no thing is filling it. So, I am pushing you away. Putting your things in suitcases and boxes. Pushing you away, so that I do not have to experience every cell in my body and soul crying out , wailing and moaning, at the loss of you.
Anger is so much easier for me to function in and I know you appreciate that. My functioning is one of your wishes for me, and I am so very grateful of what you gave me. You must know that I would not be here had it not been for you and one other and you know who I mean. She is a pillar of strength, and never gave up on me-just like you.
My two pillars. My pillars of strength and love. Now my house is one sided, and it probably must come down at some point, because pillars do crumble and have to be re-built. Still, some part of me always rests underneath the missing pillar that you built for me, to shelter me from harm, to infuse me with hope. These things are still there because of you. I love you Donathen. I love you more than I have loved anyone in my life. I cannot believe that I couldn't save you. That nothing worked. That God had made a decision way before this, and there was no way anyone could change his mind about it. I am angry at God because he took you from me.
God will understand why I feel this way. God will forgive me. So, I push you away my love, my best friend, in order to live yet another day without you in it.
Not to be presumptuous, but I believe you were referring to me as the other person who never gave up on you.
ReplyDeleteActually it was my spirit that never gave up on the belief that my brilliant, soul-on-fire friend, will always find your way back to the light. It is how I perceive you and always will.
Yes, I actually hinted that this is you at dinner. xo
ReplyDelete