Donathen my love,
I wish I were numb, and I keep trying to be that way. I am back to shoving food in, and television, because I do not want to keep crying. I don't like the way it overtakes me, and makes me feel lost. I don't like the way it wipes out all hope and all sunshine in me. This crying is a quieter version of the deep wailing. It is stealthy- where streams of tears just pour from my eyes and will not stop. No sound comes out. Just tears in a never ending stream. And the ache. The constant ache. Nothing helps. I cannot take a big drink of my favorite liquor, those days are long gone. But I want that numbness. That feeling of no worries. No response. Nothing. I want to scrape my insides out and be a shell. I just don't want to feel. I don't want to think. I don't want to miss you. I don't want to be anything except numb. But nothing works. Nothing. All I want is sleep where maybe my dream might pull me out this nightmare of losing you. Crawl into a little ball and just sink into the mattress. Sink away from the world. Away from the world without you in it No one is you. No one is who you are. I want you. But you don't exist here anymore. You only exist inside me and that is not good enough.
I wish I were numb, and I keep trying to be that way. I am back to shoving food in, and television, because I do not want to keep crying. I don't like the way it overtakes me, and makes me feel lost. I don't like the way it wipes out all hope and all sunshine in me. This crying is a quieter version of the deep wailing. It is stealthy- where streams of tears just pour from my eyes and will not stop. No sound comes out. Just tears in a never ending stream. And the ache. The constant ache. Nothing helps. I cannot take a big drink of my favorite liquor, those days are long gone. But I want that numbness. That feeling of no worries. No response. Nothing. I want to scrape my insides out and be a shell. I just don't want to feel. I don't want to think. I don't want to miss you. I don't want to be anything except numb. But nothing works. Nothing. All I want is sleep where maybe my dream might pull me out this nightmare of losing you. Crawl into a little ball and just sink into the mattress. Sink away from the world. Away from the world without you in it No one is you. No one is who you are. I want you. But you don't exist here anymore. You only exist inside me and that is not good enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment